Once upon a time there was a dad and 3 kids. When the kids were adults, the dad was old and Death came to take the dad. The first son, who became a lawyer, begged Death to let the dad live a few more years. Death agreed. When Death came back, the second son, who became a doctor begged Death to let his father live a few more days. Death agreed. When Death came back the third son, who became a priest begged Death to let the dad live till that candle wick burned out and he pointed to a candle. Death agreed. The third son knew Death wouldn't come back, and he didn't. Why not?
The third son went over and blew out the candle after Death left because the son said "till the candle wick burns out", not "till the candle burns out".cleanfunny
What did the rug say to the floor?
Don't move, I've got you covered.funnylogicshort
Your bike crashed into the dark forest and suddenly you saw and deadly panther and jaguar. You got just one bullet.
What is your escape strategy?
Simple, you must shoot the panther and drive off in the jaguar (car).cleanfunny
I run over fields and woods all day. Under the bed at night I sit, never alone. My tongue hangs out, up and to the rear, waiting to be filled in the morning. What am I?
What tea do hockey players drink?
In medieval England, a king's jester was imprisoned (the king didn't like the jester's jokes). The jester was locked in a room at the top of a high tower. The room had only one tiny window. The jester found a piece of rope. It wasn't long enough to reach the ground. So, he divided it in half and tied the two halves together. This made the rope long enough and he escaped. How?
He divided the rope vertically, not horizontally.cleanlogicshort
A hundred feet in the air, but it's back is on the ground. What is it?
A Centipede that turned upside down.dirty
A man murders his wife with a knife in their car. Nobody is around to see this. He throws her out of the car being careful not to leave any fingerprints on her body. Next he throws the knife off of a cliff into a gorge where it will never be found and he goes home. An hour later the police call him and tell him that his wife has been murdered and he needs to come to the scene of the crime immediately. As soon as he arrives, he is arrested.
He never ask the cop where the scene of the crime was so they knew that he had murdered his wife.clean
With thieves I consort,
with the vilest, in short,
I'm quite at ease in depravity;
Yes all divines use me,
And savants can't lose me,
For I am the center of gravity.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.